Early Life

Frozen French Fry began as a normal french fry during a family dinner in 1986. While everyone was distracted arguing over who ate the last chicken nugget, the fry fell off a plate and landed on the counter. Later that night, someone cleaned up and, without really looking, scooped the lone fry into a bag of frozen vegetables and tossed it into the freezer. As the freezer cooled, the light flickered on and off, and a mysterious smell from a forgotten leftover brought home from Grandma’s house weeks earlier drifted through the freezer. Somehow, that exact combination caused the fry to come alive. By the time he realized he could think, he was already frozen solid. No one noticed him, and eventually everyone just assumed he “came with the freezer.”

Later Years

In his later years, Frozen French Fry has remained exactly where he started: frozen in the freezer, unmoving but very alert. He spends his time watching the freezer door open and close, silently judging people for eating ice cream at midnight. Though decades have passed, he has not aged at all, mostly because time moves slower when you are frozen solid and cannot blink.

Contributions

Frozen French Fry hasn’t made many traditional contributions to society, but he believes his role is extremely important. By being frozen in plain sight, he has protected other foods in the freezer by distracting humans, who often stop and say, “Why is there a fry in here?” before forgetting to eat anything else. Unfortunately, Frozen French Fry does not realize that the other foods are not alive like him, but he proudly considers himself their frozen guardian.

Fun Facts

• Frozen French Fry has been in the freezer his entire life.

• He believes the freezer is the whole world.

• He thinks ice cubes are ancient frozen creatures.

• He has watched hundreds of frozen pizzas disappear and is still confused.

• He has never been reheated, microwaved, or seasoned.

• His biggest fear is the freezer defrost setting.