Pre-Cracked Television
"Because emotional outbursts shouldn’t void the warranty"
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What Is It?
The Pre-Cracked Television™ is exactly what it sounds like: a television that comes professionally, stylishly cracked right out of the box. Whether it’s your football team missing a game-winning field goal, a cliffhanger finale that ruins your week, or a streaming error five minutes into movie night—you no longer need to damage your own TV in a fit of rage. The damage is already there, and it’s factory certified.
Every Pre-Cracked TV features a high-quality, 4K screen with a beautifully simulated spiderweb crack, complete with optional flickering, mild screen distortion, and “shatter zone” animations. For extra realism, the speakers can emit soft static when you shout.
History
Invented in 2023 by an 8-year-old Jackson “Smash” Franklin, a former online game streamer who destroyed 27 TVs during one particularly bad Fortnite season, the Pre-Cracked Television was created to protect both technology and tempers. Jackson's logic? “If it already looks broken, maybe you’ll just scream into a pillow instead.” Jackson teamed up with his dad to make his idea come to life because like Jackson, his dad understood the need... and because Jackson needed $120 to form the LLC.
The first prototypes were literal TVs Jackson threw down the stairs, but after customer complaints about “too many loose shards,” production moved to digital damage overlays and safety-tested break impressions.
The product quickly gained traction with sports fans, reality TV enthusiasts, and parents watching the same animated movie for the 86th time. It was even named “Most Therapeutic Tech” at the 2024 Useless Gadget Expo.
Reviews
★★★★★
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“I used to throw remotes. Now I just nod sadly at the cracked screen like, ‘Yeah, me too, buddy.’”
— Randy G., lifelong NY Giants fan
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“Bought one for my husband. He yelled at the screen during the playoffs, then looked at the crack, sighed, and whispered, ‘She understands me.’”
— Laura P., emotionally exhausted but saving money
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“My kid thought it was broken and cried. I told him it’s emotionally accurate.”
— Denise T., honest parent of the year
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“Looks great on the wall. Confuses guests. Really completes the ‘nothing in my life is stable’ aesthetic.”
— Vera L., decor enthusiast
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